Rituals for Self-Love

In which I talk about fatness and offer some alternative resolutions

Hey, loves. I wrote this last year, but I’m thinking that it might be worth posting again. I removed the paywall, so this is now a free post. Please share if you think someone you know might appreciate it. Please consider subscribing if you’d like to support my work. Thank you for being here.—JJ

I’m going to tell you something about myself.

I am fat. I have always been fat. I was a chunky kid. As a young adult, I was slim thick. For the past few decades, my weight has bounced around the “overweight” zone. I currently weight more than I ever weighed while pregnant.

I am fat. I have always been fat. And I have always thought of myself as a thin person trapped in a fat body.

The New Year is, of course, a time when I typically get big ideas about weight loss. Obviously, I am not alone in this. Weight loss is a multibillion-dollar industry and “New Year, New You” is the kind of marketing cliché that writes itself.

I would like to say that at the age of 53, I have outgrown these thoughts about myself. I would like to say that I have found a way to be at peace with my body—to love it, even. I can’t say that.

What I can say is that I am trying. For one thing, I am not making any resolutions about weight loss. I have also, lately, started sharing photos in which I think I look fat and old. I look fat and old because I am fat and old, and editing my life to hide these facts hurts me and it hurts others.

Fat. Moisturized. Old. In My Lane. Focused. Flourishing. (Photo by Sally Rudy)

And part of my 53rd-birthday celebration was getting rid of my “skinny” clothes—clothes that I bought believing that someday they would fit and clothes that used to fit that are now too small for me. (Product placement: My 53rd-birthday celebration also included the creation of a cocktail called Vaginal Atrophy. The recipe is in the first issue of Croning.) Like I say, I’m trying.

I would like to invite you to try something, too. Regardless of whatever else you might be doing to mark the new year, maybe try to make some time and space to work a little self-love magic. I have a few suggestions about how you might do that.

Clean Out Your Closet

I know I’ve already mentioned this, but I’m mentioning it again because I found this to be enormously helpful. Aside from streamlining my life and clearing out some clutter, getting rid of clothes I can’t wear means that I no longer have to feel a twinge of self-loathing just from looking at a gorgeous dress I’ve never worn or trying to pull on the wrong pair of jeans. Some of the clothes I cleared out went to friends—they were party favors, essentially—and some went to a clothing exchange for trans youth. I feel good knowing that my beautiful discards have found good homes.

Anoint Yourself

Create a scent blend for yourself or use one you already have. Just smelling this scent should be a sensuous pleasure all by itself. It should make you feel good. Add this scent to a large-ish bottle of carrier oil of your choice—I’m a fan of jojoba because it’s similar to the oil our bodies make and because it’s easy to find and relatively inexpensive. Use this oil to remind yourself that your body is a holy vessel and give thanks. If, for example, you’re using it to rub your feet, think of what your feet have done for you that day. As you rub it into your hands, you might thank them for making art or making dinner. You might also use this oil to give loving attention to the parts of your body you struggle to accept or actively loathe. Remember that your body is you.

Check In

Fine some quiet time to check in with yourself. Explore how you’re feeling—how your whole self is feeling. Scan your body. Listen to your inner voice. If you’re feeling physical discomfort, see if you can find the source. Do the same for any emotional distress you feel. Do you feel anxious? If so, try to figure out why. Then assess whether or not your anxiety is realistic—that is, is the thing you’re worried about a realistic concern, or is it the product of catastrophizing and negative self-talk? Try giving yourself the same counsel you would give a friend or a child. You might want to have a way to take notes handy if something that comes up seems like it needs further attention.

Say “I Love You”

Every morning, soon after you get up, look in the mirror and say “I love you” to yourself.” Every evening, just before going to bed, look in the mirror and say “I love you” to yourself. This ritual is simple but powerful—as long as you really mean it. The love you feel effortlessly for your best friend? Try conjuring that for yourself.

I believe that all of these practices can help us find peace and joy exactly where we are. I also believe that finding self-love is just one aspect of creating a better world for all. Self-care, I believe, should be a steppingstone to community care. I’ll close with some words Sonya Renee Taylor wrote in The Body is Not an Apology:

Destroying the system of body terrorism requires an investigation into our unconscious beliefs about other bodies. Remember, we are not our beliefs. We can examine them without judgment and shame. From a place of curiosity and compassion, explore the social, culture, and political messages you have received about the bodies listed below. How have those messages informed your relationship with those bodies?

• Fat bodies

• Bodies of other races

• Lesbian or gay bodies

• Transgender bodies

• Disabled bodies

• Aging bodies

• Bodies with mental illness

If you’re making resolutions, make a resolution to be kind. Make a resolution to be just. Make a resolution to work on loving yourself. And make a resolution to use your self-love to work for freedom for all.